The Twilight Saga: A pretty offensive review (at least, according to my mom)

So…I read the Twilight Saga.

 

 

Since nobody has killed me yet, I’d like to get on with it and say that I liked the first book.

I slept through most of the second book.

Hated the third.

And puked on the fourth. Literally, almost.

That just sums up everything that had anything to do with me and the Twilight series.

Or Saga. Whatever.

I’m supposed to write a review to have something to do, and I’m trying to find the right words for this…saga thing and its characters.

#1 TWILIGHT:

BELLA:  Responsible.

: Hapless

That’s all I’ve got.

 

EDWARD: weird, with an infinitesimal sense of humor.

: And pretty. Mostly pretty.

 

JACOB: some creepy story-teller kid with long black hair.

 

#2 NEW MOON:

BELLA: uh…MECHANICAL. And maddeningly melodramatic.

 

EDWARD: he leaves her, wants nothing to do with her, and tries to die for her in the end? Definitely weirded up.…But still pretty.

 

JACOB: still some creepy Indian kid who suddenly becomes a werewolf and catches mechanical-yet-evil enough-to-act-deprived Bella’s attention.

 

#3 ECLIPSE:

BELLA: definitely THE MOST SELFISH PERSON IN THE ENTIRE LITERARY UNIVERSE.

 

EDWARD: back to pretty. And caring. And icky.

 

JACOB: poor creepy kid who had the bad luck to fall in love with a selfish girl who wants to add him to her collection of mesmerized immortal lovers.

 

#4 BREAKING DAWN:

BELLA: for want of a better word, Bitchy(sorry mom) I HATE HER.

 

EDWARD: “I’ll do anything Bella wants. I just want Bella to be happy.” What an idiot.  Really pretty, but more idiotic.

 

JACOB: falls in love with the one-day old daughter of his first love? Um, weird alert.

 

COMMENTS:-

I’m not the kind of girl who blubbers and swoons over cheesy dialogues like “I don’t have a future without you.” Or “If I could dream at all, it would be about you.” Or God forbid, “Do you truly believe that you care for me more than I care for you?”

AAAAARRRRGGGGHHH.

Sorry. They give me the creeps, some times.

Anyway, so you could see how it was for me to read this novel.

My favorite character was Edward, for obvious reasons. It’s not only because he looks awesome in my head when I imagine him (though that’s a main point),  but he’s also this totally clueless puppy when it comes to Bella. It’s pretty fun to count how many times he says “Anything for Bella.” Or “If it makes her happy, I’ll do it.” I know he constitutes for most of the corny lovey-dovey dialogues, but I still like him.

My least favorite character was Bella, in case you didn’t notice the punctuation and the words I used. I think she’s selfish, somehow. And she keeps degrading herself; calling herself ugly when she knows she’s pretty and finding a microscopic fault in her looks even when she’s immortal and eternally beautiful.

Yeah. I like Jacob for his sense of humor in the last book.

This is my first series with icky stuff in it. I didn’t enjoy the last three books… or, more appropriately, I liked ONLY the first book.

Since I’m just repeating everything I already said, I’d like to stop now.

 

CORNY QUOTES:

You are my life now.

 –Edward Cullen, Twilight, Chapter 15, pg.314

 

I thought I explained it clearly, Bella. I can’t live in a world where you don’t exist.

Edward Cullen, New Moon

 

*cue vomit*

(PS: sorry if I offended anybody who’s a twilight fan. Sorry if the post didn’t explain how deep my feelings of hatred towards Bella and ‘Breaking Dawn’ are. It goes waaaay deeper)