One thing Teen Law dictates that I do, and why I don’t do it.

A few days ago, I was talking to an acquaintance and she was asking me if I had a phone. I told her I didn’t.

“You aren’t on Whatsapp?” she asked incredulously.

“No.” “Instagram?”

“Nope.”

“But Facebook, surely?”

“No…”

“Google Plus? Anything?”

“No, but I am on Goodreads-”

She didn’t seem to hear me. “You study too much,” she said, giving me a pitying look.

This was the most idiotic thing I’d heard all day, but of course, I couldn’t tell her that. So here I am, to tell everyone else.

I don’t get why all teens are expected to strut around waving their IPhones, listening to pop songs and taking selfies. Many of us aren’t like that. And is there some sort of unspoken agreement about how people who aren’t on any social networking sites are nerds, pushovers who succumb to parental pressure, losers, primitive organisms or People Not worth Knowing?

I don’t get it. People don’t believe me when I tell them the truth: I am genuinely not interested. That’s it.

Seriously, is it so abnormal that I don’t want to pressurize myself to take the perfect photo for a profile picture, or to make myself pout like a fish, or stick my tongue out or wink ridiculously for a photo so that people who don’t mean it can tell me I look gr8 or aMAzinG?Is it so weird that I don’t want to be in ask.fm where people I’ll never know about are given a free ticket to criticize and condemn me and can easily get away with it? Is it so unbelievable that I have better things to do?

Since nobody was going to believe me, I resorted to making excuses: How being on social networking sites would make me lose IQ points and how I didn’t want to get distracted, are some of the more plausible ones (and I know, that’s saying something).

But another thing I don’t get it is why people think you’re ‘too busy studying’ when you’re not on a social networking site. It’s not like I never use the internet. People are so consumed in Facebook and Whatsapp and whatnot that they forget how much more the internet has to offer. I come online to read blurbs on goodreads, watch videos, listen to music, download ebooks, check out blog posts and check my mail. Isn’t that something?

Apparently not.

Now I have to work out a more ‘credible’ answer to “You’re studying too much” than a snort and “Hardly.”

Screw Everyone Else.

I have this vague memory of first grade, when the boys in my class were running around during recess, chasing all the girls. We were leaping all around the basketball court. It was fun. Not for me, though. While the other girls were giggling gloriously and running away from the boys, I was the one chasing the boys.

It’s one of those happy memories which in reality, makes you sad.

It’s sad because I still feel like the one who is always trying to fit in, the one who’s chasing after things I’ll never catch. And I want to be the one who’s being chased.

Ever since that fated day when I looked into a mirror and detected blemishes and various imperfections that had somehow previously gone unnoticed, I have been overly concerned about how others must think I look and seem, and about how others must perceive me.

It’s maddening not to know what people think of me. Do they think that I’m the quiet girl in the corner who ‘can’t even find her own mind’? Or am I the geek girl who crushes on people who don’t even exist? Am I that weird, awkward girl who’d rather tell a bunch of papers all her secrets than her own mother?

In this pursuit to seem better in the other person’s eyes, I haven’t really figured out who I am, in actuality. I change from person to person. I meddle with myself and morph myself to try to be better. It’s sad.

My excuse: People are harsh sometimes. Society is filled with judges and critics. And I’ll admit, I am one, too.

It’s easy to judge, but it’s hard not to care.

I ask myself the same question. What will everyone else think?

“Is this dress skimpy? What will my grandmother think?”

“I’ve always been scoring well, getting good grades. If I don’t, what will everybody else think?”

“Oh God, look at my hair! What will the people on the road think?”

It’s stupid, because people on the road couldn’t care less about my hair. It’s stupid, because even though I know that, I can’t seem to stop thinking like this.

Some weeks ago, during a sending-off party organized by everyone from my grade, I got voted ‘Biggest Nerd’. I got a crown. And I thought, Oh Well. At least now I know what these people think of me.

But then that I did know, I couldn’t pretend to be very happy about it. Ignorance was, indeed, bliss.

But just some days ago, I was walking with my aunt when I spotted this large woman. She was fat, wearing a lot of make-up and she was dressed up in a tight black dress that just served to accentuate her body shape. She looked at me, and it was easy for her to read the judgment written plainly on my face. And she didn’t even care.

Screw you, she seemed to say silently.

Screw you and your opinion.

And. Well, that day is to be marked in history as the day I learnt some sense.

Now, wearing the ridiculously large ‘Biggest Nerd’ crown, I don’t feel sad, like I failed myself. Or like I failed those random people who voted for me. Okay. Well, I don’t feel anything in particular, but that’s better than feeling stupid and sad, isn’t it?

Because really, there are as many opinions as there are men, right? It’s not my duty to please everyone, and it isn’t even possible. The only solution is to be myself. Only then can I find people who actually care. Those people are the ones who matter the most.

Screw everyone else.